I’m getting really tired of saying I’m okay.

Maybe at the moment you’re asking, I am. I’m okay when I’m talking to my friends.

But as soon as you all go to bed the reality hits me.

I’m alone.

In a place with no friends.

It’s hard and no one understands.

I have my family and I love them but they’re people you’re obligated to be with at times. I just want my friends. I want to go home.

The loneliness is crippling.

Sometimes I just want to sleep and never wake up.

The worst part is it’s my birthday in a month. That’s going to be so hard because I’ll be celebrating it alone. I don’t necessarily count my family. They’re supposed to be there for me. They’re obligated to celebrate it.

I want to be with people who want to celebrate it.

I’m turning 18. That’s pretty important. I never wanted anything big. I just want to spend the day with my friends, like I always do.

The closest I can get to that is Skype. It’s so hard.

I wish someone would actually send me something. I know they love me and they miss me but nobody will actually send me anything. Ever.

I won’t delude myself into thinking it’s possible because I know it will never happen. No one’s asked for my address.

I’m not expecting anything, I know I’ll just get disappointed. But I can dream. I always hope that by some motherfucking miracle, a small package will turn up in the mail. Or a letter even. A card.

That would make my day.

I’m just really hurt that they’ve never thought of that. I have this one friend on Tumblr who’s sending me something, and we hardly know each other. Yet my best friends haven’t even thought of doing that.

It just kind of hurts, in an ironic sort of way. I already tried hinting it but whatever.

I just wish they would send me something other than an email.

I would cry if they did.

Not that I’m not crying now.

I’m just so tired of being alone. I want a hug. A hug from my family isn’t the same because I can have it anytime I want.

I want a hug from my friends.

I want to see them again, to hear them. To be with them.

I want to do silly, mundane things with them. I want to laugh at stupid things with them. I just miss them so much.

I’ve burst into tears so many times now, I’m sure someone’s noticed. But they never bring it up.

I don’t care.

I just want to go home.

I want to go to school.

I want to interact with other people who aren’t my family.

I want to do something.

Anything.

I want to be with someone.

I want a hug. A real hug. A hug where I could just lose myself in that person’s arms and just cry. And that person wouldn’t judge me or anything. They would just hold me and tell me that they’re there for me, and it’s going to be okay.

It’s going to be okay because I’m not alone, they’re going to be there for me.

But that’s not possible because regardless what my family says, I am alone and I will be for some time.

I should get used to it by now.

I wish I could shoosh pap all my problems away but I can’t.